February 27th, 2006» Need for a change

- 10:33 pm

I really feel I need to redesign my whole site soon. Those who was with me should know that I’ve been sticking to this design for almost a year! Yes, it’s getting boring and I hardly change anything other than blogging about useless things I find amusing.

So, what’s stopping me then? Actually, I have been very busy and tired since I’ve entered my college. Last year, my school ended around 5 p.m. almost everyday. Upon reaching home, I would take a shower, eat my dinner, watch some television programme, check my mails, do my tutorials and go to sleep. As for the weekends, I normally just sleep in and enjoy laying around doing nothing. I realised that, for over a year, I have been doing things that I never find joy doing.

Seriously, I need to either look for a reason to continue doing what I’m doing or perhaps to finally stop what I have been doing so far and start doing things that I know I will enjoy doing. Nevertheless, I am afraid to take up the first step, to stray from the normal path everyone is taking. I am, afterall, not much of an adventurous person. Besides, I have expectations as well as my responsibilities and duties to fulfill. I told myself many times that I must hang on and complete what I set up to do. Nevertheless, I still can’t help but feeling miserable trying to be what I’m not.

In addition, I honestly feel that I’ve failed myself much more than I’ve failed others. For as long as I have remembered, I’ve been trying to satisfy people, mostly my family and friends, around me. I feel that instead of piloting my own life, I’ve been acting as a complement to others. Sometimes, to a point that I feel I’ve been taken advantage of. And often, I don’t really feel appreciated. I know one shouldn’t feel the need to be appreciated for things one have done but it does hurt, sometimes, knowing that one is not being recognised for what one have contributed.

I need to think. I must know what I really want.

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